Pour me out, and start again.

First Five changes:
1. Eat less, weigh less.
2. Take risks, and let myself fall.
3. Sort out my future.
4. Stop bitching. End of.
5. Stop pretending.

In light of a "new" me, I figured it was time for a little honesty;

1. I find it genuinely impossible to let anyone in, so I push them away, run away, or make up stupid excuses to make it seem okay.

2. I'm a complete control freak, and I absolutely hate it.

3. I'm terrified that people who love me, don't really love the real me, and that anyone in the future that may do too, will also fall for the facade, and one day they'll turn around and leave, because i'm not what they expected.

4. I wish I was thin because I know that it stops me from achieveing so much.

5. I will never forget how fast your heart was beating.

6. I created the biggest problem in my life, to use as an excuse for other ones, and now i'm trapped.

7. Every time you send me a song I analyse every word in the lyrics, and wonder whether they have any truth in them whatsoever.

8. I talk about people behind their back's.

9. Sometimes I say I watch a show somebody else does, for conversation sake. And when they ask about specific episodes I'll say "Oh, no. I don't think I saw that one."

10. I don't believe in half of what I preach to other's, but I wish I could, so I carry on.

11. I always want to be somebody else.

12. I wish I lived in America.


13. I take so much for granted, and it slips right through my hands.

It's thursday.

It's beginning to get to me,

That I know more of the stars and sea, than I do of what's in your head.

A heart is a funny thing, isn't it? Whilst growing up you're not aware of it's many functions. You know it keeps you alive, and it beats, and when you run it beats faster and faster, but are you ever aware of how fast it can beat without the running? But because of the presence of another person running through your head? You can feel compassion for the ones you love, but what about passion?
And soon you grow up, and you learn. Your heart is not just an organ. Your heart can be your worst enemy at times. It keeps you alive, but it can kill you inside. It's a complete contradiction of itself.
It beats again and again, and million times a day it seems, and yet it can fall in love. It can rise and fall and twist and dive at just the sight of another person. And then, it can break. By all the pain it manages to put you through, you can really question how it's even handling it. It's crushing, and tearing apart, and leaves a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. And yet it still carries on, beating and beating. Aching and hurting.

Are you beginning to get my point? That all this fighting with aching joints it's doing nothing but tire us out, no one knows what this fight's about.

(apologies for the shit post. I'm really not in a writey mood at the minute.)

stuck for words.

And now it really hits me, I was nothing more than your favorite soundtrack. I was played till I skipped and scratched on nearly every track. You pulled me out whenever you needed something for a party or when life hurt you a little too much. When you fancied a little thrill, a little cheering up, a smile to be put on your face, a happy moment, a high, and tossed back into the pile untill the next time. & Well, I'm touched, but I'd love to be more than the record in the pile, or the background music. I can't be used, and set aside to gather dust, but I can be worn down. So be honest, I'm the track that's been over-played and i'm not quite the same as before, so why not put me back in the pile because I know i'll be someone's very favourite song someday soon, and it'll never grow old.

Cracks are not flaws; they let the light in.

^ I like this picture, she reminds me of me. I found her beautiful, despite her not being stick thin.
That alone gives me hope.

^ I know it's something only I can change.

I'm in a really good mood today, just calm and happy. It's nice to feel like this, I am learning to become more positive, because I want to change for good.
:-) I fancy a picture post.
Will post again later, maybe.

Nothing comes without risk.
I do not want nothing.
I want everything I can have, and be.

Calm within the Chaos.

The sweet sunshine pours through the tress way above, a canvas of leaves, with gaps inbetween that gleams down in little shafts illuminating the pollen hanging in the air. My iPod is blaring, but I can no longer hear it. My mind is buzzing, with thoughts of this and that whirling around it. A smile is glued to my face, due to the beauty of what lays ahead of me further than the eye can see. I have taken myself, my iPod, and my book to a field, with a log to one corner. I weigh up the choices of where I can place myself, and decide to release my spontaneity, venturing to a sunny spot just behind a scraggly bush. I lose myself within the pages of 'Emma' - if books are for people who wish they were someone else, it's awfully lucky that I don't agree with much of my life. The sun begins to set, purples, oranges, and harsh, yet somehow soothing pinks burst through the sky. I pick myself up off of the grass, and take a stroll back towards the house. My head is in the clouds, and my heart is in someone elses hands, yet I am happy. I am at one with myself. As I approach the house, I lose all sense of wholeness, release, and calm. I let myself in, and turn automatically into my room, to watch out of the window, the sun set into a blur of more calming colours, and hope that tomorrow may hold the same.

Not gonna' get us.

I don't just miss you; I find it hard to cope without you. It seems that i'm okay, it seems that things are perfectly fine. I laugh, I smile, I chat. I cry, I crash, I fall.
With you, things made sense, in a really crazy way. The world was turned upside down, and inside out, and it was hell on a daily basis. But it made sense, to us, in our own little way. The memories we share, will never leave me. With you, I may have been lost, but I was not alone in the maze. Now, as much as I try to fight this off, it starts sending me spinning. And this time, I am alone. It's a lonely one-stop-ride to wonderland.

Since you've been gone, I've built up walls all around me, and locked the world out. I painted a picture, a face with a smile but now it's become over worn. I believed, ignorantly, that by locking myself within this cage, I could somehow protect you. Wrapped up in smiles, and deluded deception; you would be safe. You could unlock yourself, free yourself from the cage; escape.

By doing this, however, I created a division. For some time, it was okay. The plan worked, or so it seemed, and you started to change. But then you slipped away, out of sight, and I could no longer read you. You were happy, I know that much, untill it turned over. It dragged you back in, and I know you have locked yourself up once more. You think I don't know, but I do. You have your 'friends' as I have mine, this time we're in two different worlds. I do not know if you see me, in my world, but I can see you in yours. Maybe it's like that glass, where you can see out of perfectly fine, but people cannot see in, and i'm on the inside. I'm banging on the glass, I'm crying and screaming, but it is no use. I am the walls I have built, and the smile on the face I have painted.

- When I said "I'd never go back there" I didn't know what I was saying, because I'd give anything for just one more day there again.