Cracks are not flaws; they let the light in.

^ I like this picture, she reminds me of me. I found her beautiful, despite her not being stick thin.
That alone gives me hope.

^ I know it's something only I can change.

I'm in a really good mood today, just calm and happy. It's nice to feel like this, I am learning to become more positive, because I want to change for good.
:-) I fancy a picture post.
Will post again later, maybe.

Nothing comes without risk.
I do not want nothing.
I want everything I can have, and be.

Calm within the Chaos.

The sweet sunshine pours through the tress way above, a canvas of leaves, with gaps inbetween that gleams down in little shafts illuminating the pollen hanging in the air. My iPod is blaring, but I can no longer hear it. My mind is buzzing, with thoughts of this and that whirling around it. A smile is glued to my face, due to the beauty of what lays ahead of me further than the eye can see. I have taken myself, my iPod, and my book to a field, with a log to one corner. I weigh up the choices of where I can place myself, and decide to release my spontaneity, venturing to a sunny spot just behind a scraggly bush. I lose myself within the pages of 'Emma' - if books are for people who wish they were someone else, it's awfully lucky that I don't agree with much of my life. The sun begins to set, purples, oranges, and harsh, yet somehow soothing pinks burst through the sky. I pick myself up off of the grass, and take a stroll back towards the house. My head is in the clouds, and my heart is in someone elses hands, yet I am happy. I am at one with myself. As I approach the house, I lose all sense of wholeness, release, and calm. I let myself in, and turn automatically into my room, to watch out of the window, the sun set into a blur of more calming colours, and hope that tomorrow may hold the same.

Not gonna' get us.

I don't just miss you; I find it hard to cope without you. It seems that i'm okay, it seems that things are perfectly fine. I laugh, I smile, I chat. I cry, I crash, I fall.
With you, things made sense, in a really crazy way. The world was turned upside down, and inside out, and it was hell on a daily basis. But it made sense, to us, in our own little way. The memories we share, will never leave me. With you, I may have been lost, but I was not alone in the maze. Now, as much as I try to fight this off, it starts sending me spinning. And this time, I am alone. It's a lonely one-stop-ride to wonderland.

Since you've been gone, I've built up walls all around me, and locked the world out. I painted a picture, a face with a smile but now it's become over worn. I believed, ignorantly, that by locking myself within this cage, I could somehow protect you. Wrapped up in smiles, and deluded deception; you would be safe. You could unlock yourself, free yourself from the cage; escape.

By doing this, however, I created a division. For some time, it was okay. The plan worked, or so it seemed, and you started to change. But then you slipped away, out of sight, and I could no longer read you. You were happy, I know that much, untill it turned over. It dragged you back in, and I know you have locked yourself up once more. You think I don't know, but I do. You have your 'friends' as I have mine, this time we're in two different worlds. I do not know if you see me, in my world, but I can see you in yours. Maybe it's like that glass, where you can see out of perfectly fine, but people cannot see in, and i'm on the inside. I'm banging on the glass, I'm crying and screaming, but it is no use. I am the walls I have built, and the smile on the face I have painted.

- When I said "I'd never go back there" I didn't know what I was saying, because I'd give anything for just one more day there again.

Deheading :)

I'm not in a thinky mood, I fancy a quiz.

Explain what triggered your last kiss?
It was a goodbye.

Have you ever looked someone straight in the eyes and told them a lie?
A white lie, I think.

Who can make you feel better in a difficult situation?
Reassuring words, especially from my sister.

If you could have anyone you want, who would it be?
Umm.

Does the last person you held hands with mean something to you?
Of course.

What color are your eyes?
Brown.

Who was your crush in 5th grade?
Urrrrrrrm, Who knows.

About how many hours of sleep did you get last night?
About 5, not enough :(

Is your hair naturally straight?
I wishhhhhhhhhh.

Is there something you want to say to someone but can't/won't?
Obviously.

Do you wish anyone in particular was still in your life?
Yes.

Are relationships ever really worth it?
Yes, when you're both ready, they work that way.

Who sung the song you last listened to?
I can't remember.

Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
Not sure.

Who was the last person to text you?
Oh, i need to check my phone - as I last remember, L'retta.

What's the weather like outside?
Sunny and warm, loooovely.

Who are you thinking about right now?
The work I should go and do, now.

Do you believe exes could really ever be "just friends"?
I believe so, yeah. I am.

Did you sing at all today?
I always sing, whether my throat hurts or not, I just sing sing sing.

What is your current desktop picture?
A finger star.

How many people have you had feelings for this year?
2.

Could you ever be friends with someone who hurt you badly?
Yes, because it's only people who mean a lot that can truly hurt you badly.

Is there something you're looking forward to?
Next years holiday, ahaha. Not sure.

The person you fell hardest for died today, how would you feel?
Feel so weirdly empty, and horrid. and numb.

If you were in the hospital would your number one come see you?
No doubt.

Its 4 in the morning, your phone rings, who is it?
One of my good friends, or my sister.

Do you believe what goes around comes around?
Yup, eventually.

To get with someone of the opposite sex, have you ever faked being drunk?
Nope.

Who was the last person in your bedroom?
Me,

Does sex mean love?
No!

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?
Yaha.

Are you mad at someone right now?
Myself.

What are you plans for tomorrow?
School, ballet.

When was the last time you talked to one of your friends?
Just a second ago.

Where will you be in an hour?
Doing work :(

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Urmmm, family friend.

Did you ever see the movie Pearl Harbor?
Yes, it's so sad.

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Mum.

Are you on a Laptop or Computer right now?
My laptop.

Time ticks past.

I am aware the picture does not really resemble my post at all. I don't care.

Time slips away, like a silent wind, blowing past. Like holding sand, and gripping so tight it slips right through your fingers. Like driving so fast, the trees become a blur of green, and you focus your eyes upon one thing, for it to be snatched away. It would not matter if I were to slow down, because looking around, everything, and everyone would be rushing around me, in a complete blur, a distant other world, that I could barely touch, let alone hold onto. But what if I can no longer rush amongst these other creatures? These other souls, that wear time upon their sleeves and the burden of it's lack becomes evident.
STOP, rewind.

Fall back into my life.

I need you back in so many more ways than one. You kept my feet on the ground. You knew, and you didn't run away. You didn't pretend it was unreal, you believed, you helped; you listened. I miss you, come back, i need you.
I thought I was going to be okay, and if it is selfish to say I want you back, then so be it. I am selfish. You made me secure, you let me open up, and let you in. You left, and my heart broke and spilt out everywhere. Pieces were left around, and i have to gather them up.
But none of that matters.
I miss you.
selfish, or not selfish. I know people do not see you as I do, and may not understand, or even remotely care.
But please, fall back into my life, soon.

"You're too young to not believe it's all going to be okay."

001.
I hate myself for needing this.
I love this twisted little mess.
I know it's wrong but it just feels right.
The taste of tears is bittersweet tonight.

002.
I like people who have a sense of individuality.
I love expression and anything awkward and
imperfect, because that's natural and that's real.


003.
Every single person has at least one secret
that would break your heart.
If we could just remember this,
I think there would be a lot more
compassion and tolerance in the world.

004.
it's hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same.
it's funny but stupid how you want everything & nothing at the same time. it's crazy when you want to let go, but you keep holding on, and when you want to move on but you're stuck right where you started.
when feelings come and go and you can't decide what you want.
when you have so many things to say but you don't know where to start.
So you don't say a thing, and everything changes, and you look back and think;
"If only"

Today is a calm day. I'm reading "wasted" and it's amazing:)
I also have dancing, which is not so.

Curiosity, of course, killed the cat.

"I just wanted to know what would happen"
What I was unaware of was that this would happen, over and over again, it would manifest itself inside me, and grow, pushing me out of myself. It would take over my heart, and change me. Like living in a world of fun house mirrors. I can sit infront of a mirror, and feel like two people. I can dissociate myself from my reflection. I do not know why I do this, why I crave this, why I need this, why I chase this down, for it to pull me in and suffocate me. Naive, stupid, foolish girl. Like a blanket, I pull it up, and cover myself in it, I feel its warmth, and its comfort, before it turns cold. It stops protecting me, and turns ice cold. I push that thought from my head, I paint it better than I know it is, I want this, I need this. The facade along with it's numbing voice, I knew it would be back. I look at my hands, I look into my eyes staring back at me, and deep into my soul; Where have I gone?