For the dream,

I find it really sad that I can only write this because I need a break from biology. I know so much it's coming out of my ears, but yet there is still topics upon topics I don't know.
I am not creative today.
Today, i am dull. I hate being uncreative, I am drained.
This is probably the shortest blog ever.
meh.

Quote 001.
I guess I've never really understood myself, enough to make my own real decisions. I know what I like, and dislike, but I do not know myself deep down, the ins and the outs and the way I work. I know i can feel everything at once, or nothing at all. I know I could be the happiest I've ever been with just a few special people. I know I could dance for hours, and talk all night, and laugh untill I cry about something so small that it has next to no significance. But when it comes down to it, I don't know myself, because none of these things could shape my future. These things can't make my decisions for me, and that, that's where I get lost.

Quote 002.
My dream is to be happy. I'm not working hard for the grades to get me somewhere in life, I'm working for the grades to get me something out of life - Happiness; that is what i'm working towards.

Simplicity and Wonder

I didn't really expect to be up this late, or early, whatever way you look at it.
I just looked out my curtains, and saw the sun rise, and now i think i might as well not even go to bed because i need to get up and revise tomorrow as well.
but I think if i go to bed now, and get up at 10:30 latest, that's 6 and a half hours sleep.

Only trouble being - i'm not tired.
anyway, this was a useless and completely pointless blog.
I just thought i'd write about seeing the sunrise.

:)

Quote 001.
It's the nights that turn into early mornings, and the unexpected, yet unending sunrises and sunsets that she lives for. The summer nights that turn into the next day, with no apparent reason. She does it for the sake of doing so. The sake of living and breathing simplicity and wonder.

Crumbling Chaos.

i'm going to revise all night if i have to.
I am in a major panic, about these stupid exams. I've figured though, as long as I get 2 Cs in biology and Chemistry, and an A in english, and get straight As next year, I will get ABB overall? hopeeeeeeeeeeeso.
My lips are so burnt, it was so hot and sunny today:) typical that it's when exams are on, and revision needs doing. Hopefully it will be okay after exams! So i can relax in the sun for onceee in ages!

I'm really not in a writing mood, so this probably makes no sense what so ever.
I need to go and revise again.
Hope my books arrive on thursday, so i can sleep and read for 4 days straight with no revision :)
it's not even that late, but i'm tired. i need sleep.
I need these exams to be over.

back to revision i go!
taa taa.

Quote 001.
life is the ability to feel so happy, you think your insides are going to explode. it’s being so upset or disappointed, you feel as if your stomach just dropped ten feet out of place. it’s running so hard, you can barely breathe. it’s that feeling of panic when you know you’ve been caught doing something wrong. it’s having that sudden rush before you kiss someone you care about. it’s opening your eyes and feeling them sting because you spent the whole night crying. it’s letting people go, but letting new ones come in and all the while, realizing that life doesn’t have a purpose unless you let it.

Quote 002.
"I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu." --Jane Wagner.
[this quote always makes me laugh]

Here it goes again,

[-2?]
I should be revising.
But i'm gonna' blog before i tidy up, and then revise.
I'll probably blog later too.

I don't really have anything to say.
apart from i hate doctors :|
and parents.

and i cannot wait for these exams to be ovvvvvvvvvvvvver.
i'm going to sleep alllllllllllll day for four days straight :) yuuuuumm.

I'll probably have a lot more interesting things to say (or not) later, when the day has actually finished, then again, i probably won't, ahhhhh i need to revise, because i am a major panic and I am, for sure, going to fail these exams, and then I most definetely will be disowned, and I don't even think that i'm kidding anymore, I genuinely think my mum will say that i couldn't be her daughter or something.

so i'll write later.
ciao for now!

Quote 001.
"It is, at the most basic level, a bundle of contradictions: a desire for power that strips you of all power. A gesture of strength that divests you of strength. A wish to prove that you need nothing, that you have no human hungers, which turns on itself and becomes a searing need for the hunger itself. It is an attempt to find an identity, but ultimately it strips you of any sense of yourself, save the sorry identity of "sick". It is a grotesque mockery of cultural standards of beauty that ends up mocking no one more than you. It is a protest against cultural stereotypes of women that in the end makes you seem the weakest, the most needy and neurotic of all women. It is the thing you believe is keeping you safe, alive, contained - and in the end, of course, you find it is doing quite the opposite. These contradictions begin to split a person in two. Body and mind fall apart from each other"

------------------------

Quote 002.
"A strange equation, and an altogether too-common belief: One's worth is exponentially increased with one's incremental disappearance."


Both quotes --Wasted, Marya Hornbacher
(hurry up books!)

Future Looms

Okay, first thing is that I have 30lbs to lose.
and after the exams i'm going on a proper health kick, hopefully taking up pilates, going to start running again, and all that jazz. 30lbs to lose. And to be honest, I really don't care whether "i should eat more" because i have eaten far too much and gained 11 lbs.
yes, 11lbs! You'd think it's impossible eh? not in my case.

I'm also now thinking how close the future is. I do not want to grow up, I do not want to make decisions about my future. I want someone else to chose for me, I want to stay here forever and never grow up, I want to grown down.
I am terrified!

I have to chose what i'm doing at which Uni so soon, and I haven't got the faintest idea, all i know is:
I love reading.
I love writing.
I have a desire to be thin that fails consistently.

I can't imagine myself anywhere else.
I can't imagine myself all grown up, it's just scary! I know what i want, but I haven't a clue how to get there, and have trouble imagining myself there.
Well-off, with a big, yet cosy house in the countryside somewhere. A journalist. With rooms full of books, and books and more books.
and a reaaaaaaally big bed, and a gym.
:) and a dog.

OoohOooohOOoooh
i'm finally buying 2 of the books that I have wanted forevvvvvvvvvver! Because mum FINALLY let me buy them offline.
Wsted - Marya Hornbacher
and The Perks of being a Wallflower
:)

i need to go and revise now!
so, taaaaaaraaa for now.
30lbs to go [-0]

Quote:

“ I may still not know what I want to be when I grow up, but I do know that someday I want to live in a house filled with my books and travel souvenirs. And the walls that aren’t covered in bookshelves will be covered with photos of my family and friends. When I leave the house I will be going to a job I love, and I’ll return to a person I love. So, that’s the dream I’m working on. ”

[130] Health-Kick,

I need a massive change.



I'm going on a massive health-kick, i need to change me.

I need to like me.



Fallen in unrequited love once more.

Hmmmm, it's true, there are always some people you are weaker around.
some people you always find yourself drifting back to.

and when they appear with arms open, it's hard not to collapse back into them.

I know that if i wasn't hopelessly convincing myself that i am not falling for another guy.

i'd fall back into his life.

easily.



Quote for today:

She's just scared. Scared to get too close,
scared to get hurt, scared to be too vulnerable.
Realize that she just wants to see if you
care enough to do something about it
and never let go of her.

we all have secrets. don't think i don't. because i do.
and if you knew, it'd ruin your ideas of me completely.