Pour me out, and start again.

First Five changes:
1. Eat less, weigh less.
2. Take risks, and let myself fall.
3. Sort out my future.
4. Stop bitching. End of.
5. Stop pretending.

In light of a "new" me, I figured it was time for a little honesty;

1. I find it genuinely impossible to let anyone in, so I push them away, run away, or make up stupid excuses to make it seem okay.

2. I'm a complete control freak, and I absolutely hate it.

3. I'm terrified that people who love me, don't really love the real me, and that anyone in the future that may do too, will also fall for the facade, and one day they'll turn around and leave, because i'm not what they expected.

4. I wish I was thin because I know that it stops me from achieveing so much.

5. I will never forget how fast your heart was beating.

6. I created the biggest problem in my life, to use as an excuse for other ones, and now i'm trapped.

7. Every time you send me a song I analyse every word in the lyrics, and wonder whether they have any truth in them whatsoever.

8. I talk about people behind their back's.

9. Sometimes I say I watch a show somebody else does, for conversation sake. And when they ask about specific episodes I'll say "Oh, no. I don't think I saw that one."

10. I don't believe in half of what I preach to other's, but I wish I could, so I carry on.

11. I always want to be somebody else.

12. I wish I lived in America.


13. I take so much for granted, and it slips right through my hands.

It's thursday.

It's beginning to get to me,

That I know more of the stars and sea, than I do of what's in your head.

A heart is a funny thing, isn't it? Whilst growing up you're not aware of it's many functions. You know it keeps you alive, and it beats, and when you run it beats faster and faster, but are you ever aware of how fast it can beat without the running? But because of the presence of another person running through your head? You can feel compassion for the ones you love, but what about passion?
And soon you grow up, and you learn. Your heart is not just an organ. Your heart can be your worst enemy at times. It keeps you alive, but it can kill you inside. It's a complete contradiction of itself.
It beats again and again, and million times a day it seems, and yet it can fall in love. It can rise and fall and twist and dive at just the sight of another person. And then, it can break. By all the pain it manages to put you through, you can really question how it's even handling it. It's crushing, and tearing apart, and leaves a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. And yet it still carries on, beating and beating. Aching and hurting.

Are you beginning to get my point? That all this fighting with aching joints it's doing nothing but tire us out, no one knows what this fight's about.

(apologies for the shit post. I'm really not in a writey mood at the minute.)

stuck for words.

And now it really hits me, I was nothing more than your favorite soundtrack. I was played till I skipped and scratched on nearly every track. You pulled me out whenever you needed something for a party or when life hurt you a little too much. When you fancied a little thrill, a little cheering up, a smile to be put on your face, a happy moment, a high, and tossed back into the pile untill the next time. & Well, I'm touched, but I'd love to be more than the record in the pile, or the background music. I can't be used, and set aside to gather dust, but I can be worn down. So be honest, I'm the track that's been over-played and i'm not quite the same as before, so why not put me back in the pile because I know i'll be someone's very favourite song someday soon, and it'll never grow old.

Cracks are not flaws; they let the light in.

^ I like this picture, she reminds me of me. I found her beautiful, despite her not being stick thin.
That alone gives me hope.

^ I know it's something only I can change.

I'm in a really good mood today, just calm and happy. It's nice to feel like this, I am learning to become more positive, because I want to change for good.
:-) I fancy a picture post.
Will post again later, maybe.

Nothing comes without risk.
I do not want nothing.
I want everything I can have, and be.

Calm within the Chaos.

The sweet sunshine pours through the tress way above, a canvas of leaves, with gaps inbetween that gleams down in little shafts illuminating the pollen hanging in the air. My iPod is blaring, but I can no longer hear it. My mind is buzzing, with thoughts of this and that whirling around it. A smile is glued to my face, due to the beauty of what lays ahead of me further than the eye can see. I have taken myself, my iPod, and my book to a field, with a log to one corner. I weigh up the choices of where I can place myself, and decide to release my spontaneity, venturing to a sunny spot just behind a scraggly bush. I lose myself within the pages of 'Emma' - if books are for people who wish they were someone else, it's awfully lucky that I don't agree with much of my life. The sun begins to set, purples, oranges, and harsh, yet somehow soothing pinks burst through the sky. I pick myself up off of the grass, and take a stroll back towards the house. My head is in the clouds, and my heart is in someone elses hands, yet I am happy. I am at one with myself. As I approach the house, I lose all sense of wholeness, release, and calm. I let myself in, and turn automatically into my room, to watch out of the window, the sun set into a blur of more calming colours, and hope that tomorrow may hold the same.

Not gonna' get us.

I don't just miss you; I find it hard to cope without you. It seems that i'm okay, it seems that things are perfectly fine. I laugh, I smile, I chat. I cry, I crash, I fall.
With you, things made sense, in a really crazy way. The world was turned upside down, and inside out, and it was hell on a daily basis. But it made sense, to us, in our own little way. The memories we share, will never leave me. With you, I may have been lost, but I was not alone in the maze. Now, as much as I try to fight this off, it starts sending me spinning. And this time, I am alone. It's a lonely one-stop-ride to wonderland.

Since you've been gone, I've built up walls all around me, and locked the world out. I painted a picture, a face with a smile but now it's become over worn. I believed, ignorantly, that by locking myself within this cage, I could somehow protect you. Wrapped up in smiles, and deluded deception; you would be safe. You could unlock yourself, free yourself from the cage; escape.

By doing this, however, I created a division. For some time, it was okay. The plan worked, or so it seemed, and you started to change. But then you slipped away, out of sight, and I could no longer read you. You were happy, I know that much, untill it turned over. It dragged you back in, and I know you have locked yourself up once more. You think I don't know, but I do. You have your 'friends' as I have mine, this time we're in two different worlds. I do not know if you see me, in my world, but I can see you in yours. Maybe it's like that glass, where you can see out of perfectly fine, but people cannot see in, and i'm on the inside. I'm banging on the glass, I'm crying and screaming, but it is no use. I am the walls I have built, and the smile on the face I have painted.

- When I said "I'd never go back there" I didn't know what I was saying, because I'd give anything for just one more day there again.

Deheading :)

I'm not in a thinky mood, I fancy a quiz.

Explain what triggered your last kiss?
It was a goodbye.

Have you ever looked someone straight in the eyes and told them a lie?
A white lie, I think.

Who can make you feel better in a difficult situation?
Reassuring words, especially from my sister.

If you could have anyone you want, who would it be?
Umm.

Does the last person you held hands with mean something to you?
Of course.

What color are your eyes?
Brown.

Who was your crush in 5th grade?
Urrrrrrrm, Who knows.

About how many hours of sleep did you get last night?
About 5, not enough :(

Is your hair naturally straight?
I wishhhhhhhhhh.

Is there something you want to say to someone but can't/won't?
Obviously.

Do you wish anyone in particular was still in your life?
Yes.

Are relationships ever really worth it?
Yes, when you're both ready, they work that way.

Who sung the song you last listened to?
I can't remember.

Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
Not sure.

Who was the last person to text you?
Oh, i need to check my phone - as I last remember, L'retta.

What's the weather like outside?
Sunny and warm, loooovely.

Who are you thinking about right now?
The work I should go and do, now.

Do you believe exes could really ever be "just friends"?
I believe so, yeah. I am.

Did you sing at all today?
I always sing, whether my throat hurts or not, I just sing sing sing.

What is your current desktop picture?
A finger star.

How many people have you had feelings for this year?
2.

Could you ever be friends with someone who hurt you badly?
Yes, because it's only people who mean a lot that can truly hurt you badly.

Is there something you're looking forward to?
Next years holiday, ahaha. Not sure.

The person you fell hardest for died today, how would you feel?
Feel so weirdly empty, and horrid. and numb.

If you were in the hospital would your number one come see you?
No doubt.

Its 4 in the morning, your phone rings, who is it?
One of my good friends, or my sister.

Do you believe what goes around comes around?
Yup, eventually.

To get with someone of the opposite sex, have you ever faked being drunk?
Nope.

Who was the last person in your bedroom?
Me,

Does sex mean love?
No!

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?
Yaha.

Are you mad at someone right now?
Myself.

What are you plans for tomorrow?
School, ballet.

When was the last time you talked to one of your friends?
Just a second ago.

Where will you be in an hour?
Doing work :(

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Urmmm, family friend.

Did you ever see the movie Pearl Harbor?
Yes, it's so sad.

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Mum.

Are you on a Laptop or Computer right now?
My laptop.

Time ticks past.

I am aware the picture does not really resemble my post at all. I don't care.

Time slips away, like a silent wind, blowing past. Like holding sand, and gripping so tight it slips right through your fingers. Like driving so fast, the trees become a blur of green, and you focus your eyes upon one thing, for it to be snatched away. It would not matter if I were to slow down, because looking around, everything, and everyone would be rushing around me, in a complete blur, a distant other world, that I could barely touch, let alone hold onto. But what if I can no longer rush amongst these other creatures? These other souls, that wear time upon their sleeves and the burden of it's lack becomes evident.
STOP, rewind.

Fall back into my life.

I need you back in so many more ways than one. You kept my feet on the ground. You knew, and you didn't run away. You didn't pretend it was unreal, you believed, you helped; you listened. I miss you, come back, i need you.
I thought I was going to be okay, and if it is selfish to say I want you back, then so be it. I am selfish. You made me secure, you let me open up, and let you in. You left, and my heart broke and spilt out everywhere. Pieces were left around, and i have to gather them up.
But none of that matters.
I miss you.
selfish, or not selfish. I know people do not see you as I do, and may not understand, or even remotely care.
But please, fall back into my life, soon.

"You're too young to not believe it's all going to be okay."

001.
I hate myself for needing this.
I love this twisted little mess.
I know it's wrong but it just feels right.
The taste of tears is bittersweet tonight.

002.
I like people who have a sense of individuality.
I love expression and anything awkward and
imperfect, because that's natural and that's real.


003.
Every single person has at least one secret
that would break your heart.
If we could just remember this,
I think there would be a lot more
compassion and tolerance in the world.

004.
it's hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same.
it's funny but stupid how you want everything & nothing at the same time. it's crazy when you want to let go, but you keep holding on, and when you want to move on but you're stuck right where you started.
when feelings come and go and you can't decide what you want.
when you have so many things to say but you don't know where to start.
So you don't say a thing, and everything changes, and you look back and think;
"If only"

Today is a calm day. I'm reading "wasted" and it's amazing:)
I also have dancing, which is not so.

Curiosity, of course, killed the cat.

"I just wanted to know what would happen"
What I was unaware of was that this would happen, over and over again, it would manifest itself inside me, and grow, pushing me out of myself. It would take over my heart, and change me. Like living in a world of fun house mirrors. I can sit infront of a mirror, and feel like two people. I can dissociate myself from my reflection. I do not know why I do this, why I crave this, why I need this, why I chase this down, for it to pull me in and suffocate me. Naive, stupid, foolish girl. Like a blanket, I pull it up, and cover myself in it, I feel its warmth, and its comfort, before it turns cold. It stops protecting me, and turns ice cold. I push that thought from my head, I paint it better than I know it is, I want this, I need this. The facade along with it's numbing voice, I knew it would be back. I look at my hands, I look into my eyes staring back at me, and deep into my soul; Where have I gone?

For the dream,

I find it really sad that I can only write this because I need a break from biology. I know so much it's coming out of my ears, but yet there is still topics upon topics I don't know.
I am not creative today.
Today, i am dull. I hate being uncreative, I am drained.
This is probably the shortest blog ever.
meh.

Quote 001.
I guess I've never really understood myself, enough to make my own real decisions. I know what I like, and dislike, but I do not know myself deep down, the ins and the outs and the way I work. I know i can feel everything at once, or nothing at all. I know I could be the happiest I've ever been with just a few special people. I know I could dance for hours, and talk all night, and laugh untill I cry about something so small that it has next to no significance. But when it comes down to it, I don't know myself, because none of these things could shape my future. These things can't make my decisions for me, and that, that's where I get lost.

Quote 002.
My dream is to be happy. I'm not working hard for the grades to get me somewhere in life, I'm working for the grades to get me something out of life - Happiness; that is what i'm working towards.

Simplicity and Wonder

I didn't really expect to be up this late, or early, whatever way you look at it.
I just looked out my curtains, and saw the sun rise, and now i think i might as well not even go to bed because i need to get up and revise tomorrow as well.
but I think if i go to bed now, and get up at 10:30 latest, that's 6 and a half hours sleep.

Only trouble being - i'm not tired.
anyway, this was a useless and completely pointless blog.
I just thought i'd write about seeing the sunrise.

:)

Quote 001.
It's the nights that turn into early mornings, and the unexpected, yet unending sunrises and sunsets that she lives for. The summer nights that turn into the next day, with no apparent reason. She does it for the sake of doing so. The sake of living and breathing simplicity and wonder.

Crumbling Chaos.

i'm going to revise all night if i have to.
I am in a major panic, about these stupid exams. I've figured though, as long as I get 2 Cs in biology and Chemistry, and an A in english, and get straight As next year, I will get ABB overall? hopeeeeeeeeeeeso.
My lips are so burnt, it was so hot and sunny today:) typical that it's when exams are on, and revision needs doing. Hopefully it will be okay after exams! So i can relax in the sun for onceee in ages!

I'm really not in a writing mood, so this probably makes no sense what so ever.
I need to go and revise again.
Hope my books arrive on thursday, so i can sleep and read for 4 days straight with no revision :)
it's not even that late, but i'm tired. i need sleep.
I need these exams to be over.

back to revision i go!
taa taa.

Quote 001.
life is the ability to feel so happy, you think your insides are going to explode. it’s being so upset or disappointed, you feel as if your stomach just dropped ten feet out of place. it’s running so hard, you can barely breathe. it’s that feeling of panic when you know you’ve been caught doing something wrong. it’s having that sudden rush before you kiss someone you care about. it’s opening your eyes and feeling them sting because you spent the whole night crying. it’s letting people go, but letting new ones come in and all the while, realizing that life doesn’t have a purpose unless you let it.

Quote 002.
"I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu." --Jane Wagner.
[this quote always makes me laugh]

Here it goes again,

[-2?]
I should be revising.
But i'm gonna' blog before i tidy up, and then revise.
I'll probably blog later too.

I don't really have anything to say.
apart from i hate doctors :|
and parents.

and i cannot wait for these exams to be ovvvvvvvvvvvvver.
i'm going to sleep alllllllllllll day for four days straight :) yuuuuumm.

I'll probably have a lot more interesting things to say (or not) later, when the day has actually finished, then again, i probably won't, ahhhhh i need to revise, because i am a major panic and I am, for sure, going to fail these exams, and then I most definetely will be disowned, and I don't even think that i'm kidding anymore, I genuinely think my mum will say that i couldn't be her daughter or something.

so i'll write later.
ciao for now!

Quote 001.
"It is, at the most basic level, a bundle of contradictions: a desire for power that strips you of all power. A gesture of strength that divests you of strength. A wish to prove that you need nothing, that you have no human hungers, which turns on itself and becomes a searing need for the hunger itself. It is an attempt to find an identity, but ultimately it strips you of any sense of yourself, save the sorry identity of "sick". It is a grotesque mockery of cultural standards of beauty that ends up mocking no one more than you. It is a protest against cultural stereotypes of women that in the end makes you seem the weakest, the most needy and neurotic of all women. It is the thing you believe is keeping you safe, alive, contained - and in the end, of course, you find it is doing quite the opposite. These contradictions begin to split a person in two. Body and mind fall apart from each other"

------------------------

Quote 002.
"A strange equation, and an altogether too-common belief: One's worth is exponentially increased with one's incremental disappearance."


Both quotes --Wasted, Marya Hornbacher
(hurry up books!)

Future Looms

Okay, first thing is that I have 30lbs to lose.
and after the exams i'm going on a proper health kick, hopefully taking up pilates, going to start running again, and all that jazz. 30lbs to lose. And to be honest, I really don't care whether "i should eat more" because i have eaten far too much and gained 11 lbs.
yes, 11lbs! You'd think it's impossible eh? not in my case.

I'm also now thinking how close the future is. I do not want to grow up, I do not want to make decisions about my future. I want someone else to chose for me, I want to stay here forever and never grow up, I want to grown down.
I am terrified!

I have to chose what i'm doing at which Uni so soon, and I haven't got the faintest idea, all i know is:
I love reading.
I love writing.
I have a desire to be thin that fails consistently.

I can't imagine myself anywhere else.
I can't imagine myself all grown up, it's just scary! I know what i want, but I haven't a clue how to get there, and have trouble imagining myself there.
Well-off, with a big, yet cosy house in the countryside somewhere. A journalist. With rooms full of books, and books and more books.
and a reaaaaaaally big bed, and a gym.
:) and a dog.

OoohOooohOOoooh
i'm finally buying 2 of the books that I have wanted forevvvvvvvvvver! Because mum FINALLY let me buy them offline.
Wsted - Marya Hornbacher
and The Perks of being a Wallflower
:)

i need to go and revise now!
so, taaaaaaraaa for now.
30lbs to go [-0]

Quote:

“ I may still not know what I want to be when I grow up, but I do know that someday I want to live in a house filled with my books and travel souvenirs. And the walls that aren’t covered in bookshelves will be covered with photos of my family and friends. When I leave the house I will be going to a job I love, and I’ll return to a person I love. So, that’s the dream I’m working on. ”

[130] Health-Kick,

I need a massive change.



I'm going on a massive health-kick, i need to change me.

I need to like me.



Fallen in unrequited love once more.

Hmmmm, it's true, there are always some people you are weaker around.
some people you always find yourself drifting back to.

and when they appear with arms open, it's hard not to collapse back into them.

I know that if i wasn't hopelessly convincing myself that i am not falling for another guy.

i'd fall back into his life.

easily.



Quote for today:

She's just scared. Scared to get too close,
scared to get hurt, scared to be too vulnerable.
Realize that she just wants to see if you
care enough to do something about it
and never let go of her.

we all have secrets. don't think i don't. because i do.
and if you knew, it'd ruin your ideas of me completely.